san francisco, california
on the dragon throne
portland, oregon. february 2009
portland, oregon. february 2009
“you must get so lonely moving around all the time.” F could see it in my eyes as i leaned with my back against the wall outside of alte lampe. i was on my set break. he kept talking to me, sucking the air through his teeth as he fidgeted, not knowing what to do with his pity. compelled by the gravity of his compact bear frame, and much more by the superlative brightness of his eyes, i had called him outside for a chat.
there was, in fact, no such loneliness in my eyes --i was having the greatest, most carefree time in vienna-- but it didn’t make me listen any less. besides, i saw he was already beyond convincing; there was an undeniable resonance between us, which F would hardly entertain for even a chat on the sidewalk, much less the date i was requesting. i was leaving the city in a few days, and he used his projections as sword and shield, cutting off attachments before they could form, hiding behind the rest. i knew that if i was going to keep this kind of touring up i’d start to feel the edge he was talking about sooner or later, or something like it.
it’s easy to get sick on tour. i fell ill in zürich after my 15 shows were over (i still thank god that it was after), then again a week after getting back to the states, then again in new york while i was choreographing for the out music awards, and once more after a round of shows in san francisco last week. four times in 2 months, it might seem like i’m falling apart at the seams. but these are less full-fledged sicknesses than dips in my immune system from over-exertion and stress, meaning i’m usually down and out for about 36 hours and then pretty good from then on.
still, something in F’s words and in moments of meditation i cultivated with Bardia in his house in aarau behooved me to ponder what was stability in all of the movement, even if that stability itself moved, and more importantly, how i could create it.
so i call it the mobile temple: the outer temple (the body) as it moves through the universe, crossing borders, meeting cities, moving; the inner temple (awareness), supported through creating a small shrine in house or hotel room, by remembering to follow the breath while at a bus stop or waiting for a train; and the innermost temple which is always available, and which the first two temples support in accessing.
i’m a taurus. if i can’t feel the ground i go crazy. i’m methodical as all hell with my practices and home routines. and for all these reasons it’s good for me to think about what i need most while on the road (i usually don’t have time for everything i’d like). no major developments with the mobile temple so far, beyond following my inspiration moment to moment-- that and being tenacious to start each day with meditation as it can be the only constant for weeks on end, and that one small piece can be the difference between me feeling sane and going to pieces.
it doesn’t feel like it’s all that much to go with, but something tells me that’s all i’ll get... at least for now.
[your comments are welcome]
there was, in fact, no such loneliness in my eyes --i was having the greatest, most carefree time in vienna-- but it didn’t make me listen any less. besides, i saw he was already beyond convincing; there was an undeniable resonance between us, which F would hardly entertain for even a chat on the sidewalk, much less the date i was requesting. i was leaving the city in a few days, and he used his projections as sword and shield, cutting off attachments before they could form, hiding behind the rest. i knew that if i was going to keep this kind of touring up i’d start to feel the edge he was talking about sooner or later, or something like it.
it’s easy to get sick on tour. i fell ill in zürich after my 15 shows were over (i still thank god that it was after), then again a week after getting back to the states, then again in new york while i was choreographing for the out music awards, and once more after a round of shows in san francisco last week. four times in 2 months, it might seem like i’m falling apart at the seams. but these are less full-fledged sicknesses than dips in my immune system from over-exertion and stress, meaning i’m usually down and out for about 36 hours and then pretty good from then on.
still, something in F’s words and in moments of meditation i cultivated with Bardia in his house in aarau behooved me to ponder what was stability in all of the movement, even if that stability itself moved, and more importantly, how i could create it.
so i call it the mobile temple: the outer temple (the body) as it moves through the universe, crossing borders, meeting cities, moving; the inner temple (awareness), supported through creating a small shrine in house or hotel room, by remembering to follow the breath while at a bus stop or waiting for a train; and the innermost temple which is always available, and which the first two temples support in accessing.
i’m a taurus. if i can’t feel the ground i go crazy. i’m methodical as all hell with my practices and home routines. and for all these reasons it’s good for me to think about what i need most while on the road (i usually don’t have time for everything i’d like). no major developments with the mobile temple so far, beyond following my inspiration moment to moment-- that and being tenacious to start each day with meditation as it can be the only constant for weeks on end, and that one small piece can be the difference between me feeling sane and going to pieces.
it doesn’t feel like it’s all that much to go with, but something tells me that’s all i’ll get... at least for now.
[your comments are welcome]
Posts
Kid, Thank You for intrusting this to me. I should say that firstly, I am struck by your awareness, of your time and space. Perhaps it is from the discriptive. Yet, the impression is that you are very consciously along on the ride, allowing for it to unfold with wonder, just as any others reading it would.There is a fascination that alot of us around you have, in viewing you on this crazy ride. There are so many dangers inherent for any 'normal' person. That is the fascination for alot of us. 'We' couldn't come up with the moxie or talent to get on that stage,even more so, to deal with the preasures of touring, and a high octane exsistence that goes along as part of the deal. I wouldn't say that anyone was waiting for a trainwreak, actualy, the opposite is true. You have so much love and support surrounding you, your little taurus heart must be melting. Still, there is risk at each turn, something I doubt you need to be reminded of.
ReplyDeleteI once was involved with a group of Hashish smugglers in the south of Spain. One of the head guys & I were good friends, and talked alot. He took me aside once, and told me"Booka, your life is nothing without risk...take the risk, but, before you do, know all the angles, all the elements of it". In short know exactly what you risk, not just the winnings, but, the possible price to be paid. It is wise advice.Your commitment to yourself;, your meditations, & openness within yourself, marks you as a man of singular accomplishment and ability. You will never be a 'normal' person, the events of your life already, & yet to unfold, will see to that. That you can see and appreciate the details along the way is a transendant quality, that will help guide and protect you. I really don't want to flatter you, that is for others to do. I'd like to give you a greater gift: Honesty. You know, like that friend that will tell you if you look aweful, because he doesn't want you to look aweful. I figure that if you know one person that can do that for you, and know to trust them...then you can take a bigger risk. Keep it up...I love what your doing. Love, Booka
"...behooved me to ponder what was stability in all of the movement, even if that stability itself moved, and more importantly, how i could create it."
ReplyDeletestability moves. yes. you have realized something here and me along with you.